I posted this entry on my profile at the www.29gifts.org website. If you wanna friend me or join me on what will prove to be an incredible journey, please check it out at: www.29gifts.org/profile/davidkav ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ DISCLAIMER: This blog may be a bit more sarcastic and biting than usual. You've been warned. ;) It's Friday. You know what that means, right? No Morning Pages! Wahoo! (Umm, yeeeah. It's not supposed to work that way.) This is a habit that I am not particularly proud of. However, if I'm set to work at the hotel during my 2nd Shift, this usually backs me up mentally since I play at Potbelly on Fridays from noon to 2pm. BUT - I have to tell on myself with this very lie because I had the day off last Friday and I skipped out on Morning Pages even then. So, there's something going on there. I woke up with just enough time to get dressed, grab a cab (yep, guilty today) and get set up to play. I started my set at 12:05PM. There was not that big of a crowd when I started. However, once 1PM hit, the peeps started to come in. Of course, it was when the peeps came in that I decided and/or needed to pause for bathroom and to refill on water and coffee. Our coffee at Potbelly was out. So, I ran across the street (literally) to grab a cup from Potbelly. It was meant to be a quick cup. However, the line at Starbucks was almost the same as the line at Potbelly. Go figure. "How're you doin' today?" the cashier asked. "I'm alright. And you?" "Alright. Check came in today - that's all that matters." He laughs. "Yep." "What can I get for you?" "Grande Coffee." "Alright alright. You want room in that..?" "Yes, please." I get my bill and hand him the card. It was the gift card that I received from Emerald Loop - the bar that gives us gift cards for the business that we bring them. "You got cash on you? It's not swiping. See that? There's a scratch in the stripe there." I pull out my Debit Card to pay for the bill. I am not a happy camper about this. I throw my Starbucks card away from me at the moment. I was thankful that it didn't travel that far. I was cringing since I was already gone for 10 minutes (we're not supposed to take breaks at Potbelly. I do it for liquids and bathroom. However, it makes me nervous and frustrated when it takes longer.) I start playing again at 1:15pm. I was "on break" for 15 minutes. Thankfully, nobody says anything at this store. But still - it's the principal of the matter. I get it. As I told my therapist in a couple of sessions, "I don't have the problems with intellectualization. I can analyze things from here to Kingdom Come. My problem is with the emotions and the entanglement therein." Truth. I finish up right at 2pm. I have to tell ya - I don't enjoy playing all that much at these stores. This is (most likely) one of the reasons why I don't mind that I only have one store a week now. We are not meant to be loud at all. Our job is background music. We can't be louder than the clerks and the people who are making the sandwiches. This was an ego-depleter. Also, I was told that I used to be called "the screamer" by an old District Manager (who, since then, is no longer with the company.) I also see monthly emails from the Music Coordinator with "monthly challenges" for us in shops. He always has a Musician Of The Month. I have Never been nominated for that title. There are 30 of us in rotation. He's been sending out emails for a little over a year now. It makes me wonder, "am I good enough? Am I doing enough? Am I really that negative?" We all know that the latter question is "yes." (Come on - if you have to ask if you're "that" negative, you are. I just have to read the above paragraph to see that.) It's questions like these that scared me today and made me think, "what if I really don't like playing music anymore?" That's not the case at all. It's in my blood. I LOVE playing with Classical Blast. I love when people acknowledge my music. I know, without a doubt, that it's these Negative thoughts that have weighed me down for years (if not, my entire life.) Then again, living with toxic people and toxic thoughts can do that to a child. Moving along... I finished my set at 2pm "on the dot." I move to pack up my stuff since I have to be at the hotel at 3pm. Since I get 50% off of my meal, I get set to get my lunch at the store. I wait a bit in line for my food. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the exchange at the register. While waiting behind the customer in front of me, there's a girl that I don't recognize. Her manager (or Shift/Team Leader) is to the right of her. It's very obvious that he's training someone at the register next to him. She asking questions, rudely and with disrespect to her supervisor with a nasty tone, things like "why you do that? ... YOU need to do a cash drop... Why you don't have any pennies open?" As he's training her, over his shoulder, he says, "I have pennies open. Just look in the drawer..." "How am I supposed to give this man his change when I don't..." "There are pennies in the drawer. If not, just give him over what you owe him." He's getting frustrated and it's rubbing off on me. I get to the counter. "Whatchoo having?" She asks in the same tone. "Turkey sandwich and chips," I bellow back. "$6.31." "Is that employee?" I ask. (The sad thing is: Because I'm supposed to be quiet, some of the employees in line don't recognize me when I come to the register. Oh, the horror to my ego, right?) "yeah," she says. I give her the Credit Card reluctantly. I already knew she was wrong. "Would you like a bag and receipt?" "Yes, please." I receive the receipt. No discount was applied. "See...this is why I asked if I was an employee. There's no discount on this." The manager said, "You need my card." "You've already charged me. Don't worry about it." I said. I walk away but not without throwing my tray onto the table closest to the stand. It made a loud, crashing noise. I'm SURE I heard a "whoa!" But not entirely certain. I eat my lunch disgruntled. Can't waste time. Got work in 35 minutes. Thankfully, work is 3 blocks away. As I walk from 7-Eleven after purchasing my daily goods, I walk to the hotel. The snow is coming down and is getting in my eyes. The wind is picking up and blowing against the guitar on my back/gig bag like a sail on a sailboat. I find myself repeating this phrase over and over again under my breath like a mantra, "This is gonna suck. This is gonna suck...This is...wait a minute. That's my problem. This day will suck if I keep repeating this to myself. Let's try this again. It's gonna be a great day. It's gonna be a great day. It's gonna be a great..." I have found, in past experiences, that if something, or a LOT of things are bothering me, it usually stems from One thing. I have to tell on myself: I dropped the ball in scheduling. My manager asked if I'd be available for gigs next Saturday, 2/18 and Saturday 3/3 without getting the schedules. During my multi-tasking on Tuesday, I texted back, "yes. I'll make myself available." Of course, I am scheduled to work next Saturday night. The 2/18 gig is confirmed. The 3/3 is still pending. I've asked a couple of people to switch with me. One flat out refused (which, in his defense, he has the right.) My colleague suggested another guy since he seemed to need hours. I emailed him and asked him for a response either which way. Needless to say, I'm more "on edge" than usual because of this. I have to tell on myself. So, when I walk into work, I tell one of my managers and the girl that I'm relieving the story about the Potbelly employee. "So, I've decided that I'm going to shift my attitude. Not worth feeling that way today." "I'd say that's a good approach," Eileen stated. So, the work day starts. It's SLAMMED today. Only one room left to sell. Really unusual for a February Friday. However, we have a huge group staying with us and the Auto Show started yesterday. I guess it's not that unusual in those lights. Again, whom do I give to today? I was really weary about donating money two days in a row. However, I was determined to not let this day slip away from under me. I think about the organizations that I have run races for in the past and haven't given to in a while. Since I gave money for the hungry yesterday, my next thought was... "PAWS! Definitely the kitties and doggies." My heart bled a little thinking about stray kitties and puppies suffering in the snow and cold today (it is currently 15 degrees Fahrenheit as I type this.) I love this organization since they advocate a "No-Kill" policy on stray dogs and cats. For more information on this great organization and if you feel the need to give for animals in the Chicagoland area, please visit www.pawschicago.org