I posted this entry on my profile at the www.29gifts.org website. If you wanna friend me or join me on what will prove to be an incredible journey, please check it out at: www.29gifts.org/profile/davidkav ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Today was my day off from the hotel. Heck, today was a day off from Everything! I'm still used to the fact that I used to play (at least) 4 to 5 Potbelly gigs a week. For those who don't live in the Chicagoland area, it is quite easy to make a decent wage playing guitar and singing at Potbelly Sandwich Works shops during the lunch hour (sometimes dinner hour - depending upon the neighborhood and the area.) They are starting to "take over the world" and they are becoming quite known throughout the United States. However, Chicago is the place with the most saturation of this store (naturally - since it is a Chicago-born business:) www.potbelly.com However, as the year at the hotel progressed (and as did life itself,) my body would take a toll and a stand against me. Now, I only play One store One day a week (Friday afternoons from Noon to 2pm.) Therefore, no hotel, no Potbelly, no other extraneous music gigs (as this is a slow season for music,) I had the day off. I woke up around 1pm (which isn't too late considering the schedule that I have.) No biggie. ;) I woke up, wished my girlfriend, Beth Ann, a good morning (she had the day off as well which is even More rare that we both had the same day off.) I made some coffee and proceeded to write my Daily Morning Pages. I may have mentioned it in the last blog. If I haven't, I went back to the old ritual that I picked up from "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. For those of you who are familiar with Ms. Cameron, you know that the One Thing that Ms. Cameron harps on religiously is the Daily "first thing in the morning" ritual of writing 3 non-stop pages of ... anything. These pages Aren't to be thought about. These pages aren't meant to be censored. They're not meant to be ....anything but 3 long-hand pages of whatever comes to mind. In a sense, one could call it meditation since you are taking a visceral approach to "emptying yourself" onto the blank page. For those who haven't tried it, I highly recommend the 12-week program: http://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/ In my set of morning pages, I was thinking about what I could possibly give for my gift during my second day. I wanted it to be different. Unlike yesterday, I didn't want this gift to be pre-meditated. Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that the recipient will like her gift. However, I felt robbed of the joy from gratitude. So, I set out and told myself that I was going to let the gift come to me. I was determined to let the day unfold and show me the gift itself. There was one constant that I had throughout the day EVEN before the day began: My focus on today's gift was to and for Beth Ann (this sounds pre-meditated again, doesn't it? Glad we're on the same page.) One thing that Beth Ann wanted to do today (and we planned on this last night) was that she wanted us to go to the museum today before our 5:45pm appointment to look at condominiums with her father. To explain the appointment, Beth Ann and I have lived together exclusively for the last year under a lease in our current apartment. We live close to downtown Chicago. We pay most of the rent while her parents pay for a portion of it. This was an agreement made from her mother since her mother wanted her to live close to work and in a safe place. In the past month or two, Beth Ann was talking about the frustration of throwing our money away on rent to an ungrateful property manager (that's a completely different story altogether.) She has enough money saved and with her father's financial wizardry (since he works in Sales for a Huge Corporate Franchise,) she believes that she can go in for a condo. In this situation, I told her that I wasn't sure that I was comfortable making a huge leap in signing my name to a property. I also don't have any savings (different backgrounds, different upbringing, all excuses.) ;) Anyhow, Beth Ann really wanted to go to a museum and our schedules were fixed. I asked her if I could sleep in for a bit today since I wasn't able to the past couple of days. She seemed ok with it. However, upon my waking today, I felt a twinge of guilt that I was moving slowly. We also had someone come in to the bathroom to fix the radiator (or shut it off since the knob itself didn't seem to work. In truth, since we live on the 19th floor, the bathroom can get QUITE WARM.) That, in itself, was fine. However, Beth Ann nor I could take showers nor do anything in the bathroom because of this. In short, we couldn't get ready. At this time, I was writing Morning Pages. So, my time was accounted for. Beth Ann, however, was going to get ready. She couldn't. By the time I was done with Morning Pages (it usually takes me 30 minutes to do so,) he still wasn't finished with the job. So, the overall tension was building. However, did I recognize this to be the problem? No. I was still determined to go to the museum. Beth Ann Did get in the shower. I took the few minutes to listen to the piano riff that I layed down yesterday for the FAWM song project AND to tunes on Spotify (I like Spotify since musicians can get royalties from mere listens. Including myself. Guilty.) ;) After she got out, it was my turn. Went in - upon getting ready, I came out of the shower and asked if she was hungry because I knew that neither one of us had eaten. She said that she knew that she should eat. I asked if she wanted cereal. I did as well. In the time crunch, I mentioned that the table wasn't cleared. "I'm SORRY!" She yelled this from the living room. A couple of comments before this, I had mentioned that the couch wasn't cleared as well (in our defense, we both live full lives - myself with the hotel and the moonlighting music gigs/projects; Beth Ann has 2 jobs at retail stores and is studying American Sign Language at Columbia College. Beth Ann also had a car accident about a decade ago which ruptured her C6 vertebrae. In short, it is very easy for Beth Ann to get fatigued quickly.) These comments sent us both over the edge. She threw the jar of peanut butter on the floor because I pushed buttons. In turn, I started yelling. At the end, I said, "ok. This is what's going to happen. I am going to eat my cereal, take my vitamin, go for a walk. When I come back, we are going to have a good day if it kills us. Ok?" "ok." Beth Ann went into the bedroom to cool off from the argument. I angrily ate my cereal, took my vitamin, threw on my jacket and proceeded to go out onto the sundeck of our 20-story building. I must admit: This has been the most ABNORMAL winter that I have ever known in my life - especially for Chicago. I was reminiscing on last year's winter where we were recovering from a 22-inch blizzard the day before. Today, it was closer to 50-degree weather. VERY sunny and no cloud in the sky. I walked up to the ledge of the building where the view was facing East. In between the two buildings, I see a Very Clear view of Lake Michigan and the bend on Oak Avenue that swoops around and steers East and North onto Lake Shore Drive. I stared at this for a bit. After 15 seconds, I shifted my view a bit more west to Tavern on Rush. Anyone who knows Chicago knows this: I am in a RICH AREA! For someone who grew up in Grant Works, Cicero, IL with little to no money growing up on welfare with my alcoholic mother, my brother and sister living on Food Stamps and the like, this is STILL uncomfortable for me and the lifestyle that I had chosen. I had moved in with my girlfriend a year ago because I was over at her place so much and it didn't make sense to pay the meager rent that I had for a space I was hardly in. Even after over a year, my head was still in my forepoint of contact. "What am I bitching about?!?" I thought to myself. "LOOK at this view!" I rushed downstairs, went into the bedroom. I HAD to show this to Beth Ann. She was on the bed reading a textbook for her class. I waited until she was looking at me. "Come with me. I have to show you something. Get your jacket." "Are we going far?" "No. Not at all." I took her up to the sundeck, waited until we got to the same spot, pointed out towards the Lake and said, "You see that space out there where the Lake is between the two buildings?" "Yeah." "I want you to take a look out towards the Lake and Lake Shore Drive and tell me what you see." She was looking really hard. "...traffic?" "Nope." "...the city?" "Yes. Where are we at?" "The Gold Coast?" "YES! I came up here and looked out at the city. I looked out there and remembered a time over a decade ago when I was driving to work at 2am on my way to UPS as a Package Handler. I remember that I was still a bit intoxicated from the night before and, more so, I was sleep deprived. The road was wet. I was going 60 MPH in a 25 MPH zone. I realized this fact too late. I slammed the brakes and skidded into that wall down there. I damaged my ex-wife's tire rim pretty badly. A decade ago, I never, EVER imagined that I'd be up here on a high-rise in the Gold Coast looking down on that exact same spot. I didn't even envision myself this far into the future. I still don't know who I am or what I want. The point is: There are so many people down there driving right now who will NEVER have this opportunity and prestige that we have! WE are the lucky ones. We are bitching about high-class problems." She nodded in agreement and said, "I'm cold." She said this twice and it wasn't until the third time that I heard her. I said, "let's go." "No! I mean..." She motioned for me to go towards her. I was a bit slow in this regard. I responded with a huge hug. After a few moments, "I'm hungry." "ok. Let's fix that." We got back down to our apartment. I asked if she wanted cereal. In the cutest face and frown, she looked at the peanut butter jar that she threw. The lid had cracked in the aftermath. "I ruined the jar." "It's no big deal. We'll take care of it. We'll buy another one." "I...I was hoping," she was going into her usual child-like demeanor which, after over two years, it STILL wins me over, "I was kinda wanting peanut butter and jelly..." "Ok. Do you want me to make it for you?" She just nodded. This was it. I didn't want this to be the gift itself because I felt that this would be cheating. However, I was MORE than happy to make this particular sandwich for her - especially after the moment that we just had. I put the plate down in front of her. "Thank you...I was wondering....it's kinda silly....but..." "Do you want me to cut it for you....4 equal pieces, right?" She nodded to me even bigger. "yes. Thank you!" It's the little things, right? Later on as the day progressed, I was kinda aloof when we were going to look at properties. I felt emasculated since I don't feel I have a say in the decision-making process since I'll merely be paying rent for a property that isn't mine. As soon as Beth Ann's father dropped us off, we smelled a pizza from delivery on the elevator. Again, I was in a mood. We got back to the apartment and I said, "I was hoping we can go out for pizza. My treat. I'll tell you what's bothering me but I kinda want to go out while doing so since it'll take a bit for our pizza to be made." "Ok." She was worried about me since I was quiet. For those who know me, they Know that I am loud. I was quiet for 90% of the time that we looked at properties. I explained to Beth Ann that I grew up in a very different background and mind frame that she and her family did. I explained that my ego was getting in the way and that it was a concern. She explained her frustrations at me and stated, "you always think that I am in a competition with you. That has been your biggest problem with us. I don't want to win with you. I want US to win....for us to work together." At this moment, I saw Beth Ann's eyes get teary. I put my hand on her face for affection. How I lucked out to get this woman? I really don't know. I can tell you this: My gift today is to continue my list of gratitude: My mentor gave me an exercise stating that I have to list 100 things that I'm grateful for. Until I list them, I am NOT allowed to complain. I can probably find them in the blog above to be honest with you. You know ONE person who's going on the list. ;) In closing, I also mentioned that I wasn't sure as to what today's gift was going to be. I had thought that the dishes would be good (but I do those every night - so that's cheating.) I had also mentioned the PB&J from above. However, I felt that was cheating as well. (Beth Ann knows a bit about my 29 Day Gift Challenge.) "But, I felt that the PB&J came from such gratitude and was one of the nicest things you did for me today." Right. I can stop right there. In fact, I think I will for today.